Surgeries:

In 1991 I was born with a birth defect. Since my birth I have had over twenty surgeries’ many I don’t remember, but some I do, and the ones I do, affected more than I had expected.

Through these struggles of growing up with teeth that we’re a mess, having two different sets of braces and a nose and lip that looked a little different, my self-esteem was very low.

The surgeries I remember the most started when I was about 12 years old, and I was terrified. I went through a couple years of therapy and fought some serious depression and anxiety issues and am still recovering.

In 2009 I was eighteen years old and it had been six years since my last major surgery and I had hoped it wasn’t going to effect me as much as it did when I was twelve because I had grown up and knew what to expect in some way. 

The surgery was on a Tuesday December 2^nd, 2009, 23 days before Christmas and my brother had just gotten married moved out, and my sister had also just moved to Alberta… right away I was feeling very alone.  I had my mom and dad and my boyfriend at the time and friends who could be there as much as they could be.

The surgery went well, but two weeks later things went wrong and my hopeful last surgery of twenty-one years turned into a process of seven surgeries, two root canals, longer time of braces, and a lot of dental work.

In this surgery they broke my upper and lower jaw and adjusted it to it’s proper positioning. After two weeks I was determined my upper jaw had shifted, my dad refused to believe me, but I knew it had.

I made my dad take me to Sick Kids to have them take an x-ray. Prior to this appointment one day I was rinsing my mouth and I heard something fall into the sink, I had no idea what it was and just ignored it. When we got the x-ray back they had to call down my surgeon from his surgery, along with three other doctors to look at the x-ray, I sat there having no idea what was going on.  They turned and looked at me, then back to the x-ray multiple times, I sat in darkness. They finally told me that I was missing a screw that was holding part of my upper jaw in place, turned out I was allergic to titanium and my body was rejecting the hardware.

With this discovery they tried multiple ways to fix my jaw, re-breaking it, removing the hardware, placing new hard ware, placing a guard to hold my jaw in place and nothing was working. They resorted to taking from my own body, a piece of my hip and finally a good result after five surgeries.

Though all of this hasn’t been easy, I can’t help but be thankful for the events in my life that have happened has formed me into the person I am today. Shortly after my last surgery of the five, my boyfriend of three years and I had broken up. I was heart broken when he broke up with me, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend.

My emotional state was sky rocketed due to all my surgeries and life in general, I was as low as low can be. I had been a Christian my entire life, went to a Christian private school, attended church weekly, was a regular at my youth group, but never really knew what it meant completely. One day I had an amazing perspective, that when I was feeling ugly, rejected, lied to, unloved, none of it was true.  

I realized I was unconditionally loved, and held by my Creator. I knew it all along my entire life, but it had never hit me like it did that day. I had never had this personal of a connection with anybody before; I had never felt more like I knew who I was, or somebody knew me better than I knew myself.

I remember one day I was home alone and I was convulsing with tears streaming down my face, screaming out loud in agony in emotional hurt, I lied down in my bed, having no idea if this was ever going to go away. Then I felt this incredible peace and it had just stopped, all the tears the hurt they went away. I will never forget this peace. This was the first time I realized God was always with me, that He was sad that I was sad, and He just wanted to hold me, so He did, and I let Him and have never let go since.

I share all of this with you, in hope that I can pass along a little hope to somebody else out there that feels like they are nothing. I have been through a lot in my life, and this just a glimpse of some of the things, but I can say here today that I am me, I am who I am, happy, loved, held, forgiven and moving forward. 

Smile Before

Night After Surgery

What I woke up to once. *my body rejecting the hardware* 

1 year since surgery

2 years since surgery

3 years since surgery :)

A Favorite Song:

"Wheel" 

by John Mayer 

People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along

And airports
See it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her

And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me

You can find me, if you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me [repeat 1x]

Moments:

I have moments when I think about my life, what I've been through the people who have helped me get through these things, the memories that no longer exist the pain I've survived and surgeries I have gone through, when I have these moments I tell myself it's ok to feel these things and to think about them, but then seconds later I tell myself to get over it and I get frustrated that I'm thinking about any of it, that I just need to get over it.

Then I think more and say I am over it but just because these thoughts and memories are still tender and still make me cry sometimes doesn't define that I am not over it, all it means is I am human, these memories are real they happened and I'm not going to make them feel like they never did.

More moments and memories are being formed everyday of my life and forever I will remember these moments because they are a part of me, of who I use to be, who was in my life, who is in my life, of who I am, who I'm going to be, and whose going to be in my life, and who always has is and will be in my life.

Don't take any of these moments for granted, because we only live once, and there is no need or time for regret we live ... And we learn.

A song list:

Music is one of the most important things in my life.  For this post I want to share the songs I have on repeat this week:

Everything To You - Bethel Live

Taylor Swift & Gary Lightbody - The Last Time 

Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love 

One Republic - Feel Again 

Corinne Bailey Rae - Till It Happens To You 

James Morrison - One Life

Take me back:

A world:

Why is there this longing for love? What is it about love that makes us listen to a song differently, look outside differently, think differently... What is it? To want to be in love? That there is this haunting longing for everything about love... The good parts, the rough parts... We want it all ... And why?

I catch myself in this other world, a world full of thoughts, music, words, images, feelings and passion and they all revolve around love... I get this look on my face of seriousness and some sadness, then I catch myself laughing to myself with a smile on my face.. This world I'm often in is my world and its full of love and pain... But I want all of it.

I look at grass differently and the sky while I'm in this world and my mind floods with thoughts and my heart with a bittersweet taste.

I've spent a lot of my life on a bus, on my bike and with my good old two feet and I guess through all this time alone left with my music and thoughts I've become ... me.

Rodney Smith:

www.rodneysmith.com

www.rodneysmith.com/blog/ 

This is one of my favorite photographers. I discovered him years ago while searching through photos on google, ever since... I'm hooked.

His photography is incredibly unique, and breath taking. Many think his work is weird and just kind of skip to the next picture, but me... if I could own a billion of his prints and post them all over my house.. I would and every time I would stop and stare at it.

Rodney Smith blogs every week, and I just recently discovered this. I'm really looking forward to reading his blogs every Monday :)

I could post a million of his photos because his work is honestly amazing. The one's I am posting aren't particular favorites because I could choose his entire collection for my favorite.

Bethel Live:

Today an amazing new CD was released. All in favor of amazing worship music say I! ... If you could hear me.. I'm saying I.

I've spent in the past two summers about a month and half over in little town Redding, California. The home of Bethel Church.. the home of life changing events in my life and some of my closest friends.

Today they released their 3rd Live CD and all I can say is... 14-28 days of shipping.. isn't fair, I want it now!!! So many people just tell me to get it on iTunes and this and that, but... no I'm sorry hard copy only for this girl over here. I am going to wait the 14-28 days to hold this CD/DVD in my hand because.... its what I do.

You can get or even to preview the CD at: Bethel Music - click for direct link.

Also... I suggest watching these two videos, the second one in particular.

It's October:

October ... the month holds a lot in my life. There's not much more to say, but today is a day of feeling. We've got to give ourselves these days to feel emotions to simply take the day to remember. Some have different judgments on how I believe we need days to feel, obviously not often, but it's been since July that I haven't just taken a day or two to feel.. and today marks October 1st... and today I'm feeling. . .

I will never forget you. . .

Introduction to amazing: 

Birdy - I'll Never Forget You

Heartbreak:

The word heartbreak is so bold, it's so… harsh, and unrealistic really. Our literal hearts don't break, but what breaks and what hurts is the emotional aspect of loosing somebody you love to either death or a break up. 

A break up is the topic of this blog. 

Words were spoken and I wanted everything to not hear any of it, I didn't want to face the reality that it was happening. That the past three years of my life we're soon to be but memories with no future. I remember standing there with a billion thoughts going through my head saying things to over ride what he was saying so the conversation wouldn't end the way I feared it would, with him walking away from me while I stood there with my heart in my hands just wanting him to not be giving my heart back to me. 

It sounds dramatic, but its how I felt. When I got home that night it felt like somebody had picked up a board and smashed it repeatedly on my stomach and the feeling wasn't going away. Tears streamed down my face for hours and a breath was something I grasped for and sleep wasn't really something that existed in my life for a while. Thinking highly of myself didn't exist and being around me wasn't the most fun. 

He was my best friend and I was his.We knew everything about each other, he was my first kiss. 

I spent months on end thinking about him everyday, praying for him… not to be brought back to me but simply for his life, and for him to be happy because he deserves happiness, he's been through enough in his life and as have I... we both deserve it. 

I say all this to give you a glimpse of how it wasn't easy, but whats made it easier is to know I have a God that I can put my trust in. What I want most in his life is for him to be happy and to have his dreams come true. He is an amazing guy, his passion is pulsating and his love for God is inspiring. Because I know he believes in God and follows his walk with Him strongly, I can know with all guarantee that happiness and the desires of his heart, two things strongly spoken of in the Bible that God gives us are his, and thats all that matters to me.

I'm not writing this blog for attention, or for sympathy. I'm writing it because people often ask me how I did it, how I've made it through, how I can be so happy and wish the best for him. I often think people think I never hurt, that I am this magical person who just looks at the brighter side all the time. The truth is I hurt, and I hurt a lot and no words can explain it.

The answer to all these questions is prayer and God. Without having boldly stood on God throughout this all I have no idea where I would be right now. With God I know He promises happiness and the desires of our hearts to us who love Him, and I love Him, and I know he does too, and because of this I can be okay about all of it, because I know that in both of our lives we will succeed in God's plan for our lives and that we will be happy, and thats truthfully all that matters to me.

My future is bright, and life is how it is, we've got to look at things in our lives that have helped us mould us into who we are now, and who I am is happy, which is something I never use to fully knew felt like.

Inspired:

I read my sister in laws blog everyday, i get excited to read it and see her creativity unfold in the way she writes. She engages me and brings me to tears everyday, good tears. To see the heart of somebody through their writing and how they share their personal life is special and hard for the writer to do. When I read her blog I melt I am reminded of life's beauty and inspires me to write more and to be more personal in a good way.

My blogging is going to begin taking a shift for a bit and I'm going to write about some things in my life that have been rough but beautiful, it's my testimony and it's time to be heard.

Kara's Blog: www.septemberchronicles.blogspot.com

Music:

I can't get enough of it! With being a musician comes a lot of passion and passion is my favorite thing! Music is an art form and all art takes passion. When I see somebody doing something their passionate my heart melts, and musicians always have a piece of my heart because of this. Painters, Photographers, Fashion Designers every art form is amazing.

Tonight I was introduced to a musician Gavin Slate this guy went all over Toronto with a mock up Starbucks Pick of the week that he left beside the other actual pick of the week, pure genius! This is a man with passion!

What are you passionate about? Think about it and live it out! :)

My Family:

Don't you just love family!!! How two people create another person and this person will marry another then create another! It's beautiful honestly! My family is amazing!! They each have a piece of my heart, and I love every single one of them. My mom and dad are like best friends, I often go over to my parents house and find them watching some TV together or they go on mini dates, they laugh and text each other through out the day, so modern :).My sister and I live together with our friend Emily around the corner from my brother and sister in laws house as well as my nephew of corse. My sister and I live together as I said and just read that, it tells it all, we moved out of our parents into a place together... i love her! We're best friends and laugh so much together sing at the top of our lungs and hang out with the same friends :) My brother and I are a lot a like, nerds with computers and technology and of course music. I love having a big brother it's so special to have that, and see how much he loves his wife and son is breath taking! My sister in law and I are quite similar when it comes to creativity. My family all comes together well and I couldn't have asked for any other family or life, although it's been tough and I've gone through a lot, and my family has it's made us stronger and grew us closer together.

There are things that can tear us apart from our family, and things that can bring us together, and weather your family is close or not, they are still family! If things are tough send a prayer out to the ones that may have hurt you and every time you think of them just ask God to bless them.

- Erin Caitlin

Too particular:

I find when I think about blogging I feel I need to set aside hours to do a good blog post. I've been keeping up with my sister in laws blog (www.septemberchronicles.blogspot.com) and what I notice with it that I love is its simplicity it's beautiful simplicity.

Made me think about this and came to realize that If I stay thinking that way then I can miss out on a lot. Being too particular isn't fun, and I've become more this way lately and I don't like it at all. I'm coming back to this simplicity because life is better that way. I don't need to worry about the little things I have been lately life is too short and I don't want to miss out on anything.

Fall:

It's that time of year again, scarfs, boots, pumpkin spice lattes and everything else beautiful made with pumpkin. The smell of the air becoming cooler the sun is shining but there is this sweet breeze I love it! A lot of people say spring is the time of new beginnings and some say new years eve and all are very true but for me Mid-August, beginning of September stands that point in my life.

I'm not sure why it does, but it makes me feel different, doesn't make me more happy or more sad but it gives me a calming. Fall and Winter tend to be the times that bring my family the closest. My brother and my sister in laws birthdays are only a day apart in September, then October rolls around and its turkey time, sooner then we know it Christmas is here then New Years Eve, then new this Winter will be my Nephews first birthday along with my Moms in February.

I often talk about what I'm going to be doing with my life in a years time, a famous quote of mine is "I wonder where we will be this time next year." and it blows my mind how quickly that 'this time next year' comes around. I have a dozen ideas of what I may do and every week it seems to change. Today it's to not leave and to stay in my home town and be with my family, not a bad idea at all I think, but I know theres things in my life I am to do, and want to do, but when these will happen, I'm not sure, but for right now and every day I am going to learn something new, I'm going to live each day as it comes and I'm going to love my Fall and Winter seasons.

Something new I learned today: You dont tape the ceiling when it comes to painting a room.

Love:

Hello!!! :D:D!

So!! My best friends are getting married!!!!! And the other day the bride to be, my amazing, adorable best friend, Jessica, sent me a picture message, and ahhh adj;jafeaifje;iawfjejs it was so exciting to receive, it came in two different messages so the anticipation was high about what the next photo would be :) 

                                   

The two of them have been together for almost 7 years now!!!! Not only have they been together for 7 years, but 3 of those years, they've been provinces away from each other and had this beautiful relationship of theirs grow more and more through their distance! They got to find who they were as individuals and with this grew into the amazing people they are and are so set on who they are as individuals that when their together its simply... beautiful. 

Love, Love, Love... isn't it BEAUTIFUL! Is it hard to truly love another?... I think it is, because if we would really soak up what the word Love literally means... I think people would see how hard it is to truly love another.. but its the fact thats hard is what makes it beautiful.  

1 Corinthians 13:4-8a (Amplified Bible)

⁴ Love endures long and is patient and kind; love never is envious nor boils over with jealousy, is not boastful or vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.

⁵ It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act unbecomingly. Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

⁶ It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but rejoices when right and truth prevail.

⁷ Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening].

⁸ Love never fails. . .

Will we as humans feel these ways sometimes? Yeah we will, but don't let it ruin your day, week or beyond that if you think out of these ways, because this love is perfect.. and we as humans, can't be perfect, so use this as a stepping stone mainly to remind yourself to push these thoughts or feelings away sometimes. 

Biking:

Ever gone for a bike ride? I hope your answer is yes because it's something everybody should do!

I live in a small town and because of this I tend to bike or walk wherever I can whenever I am able to. I find it's a way for me to relax, doesn't sound much like relaxing but it is!

Picture the beautiful trees surrounding you, the wind in your hair, the fact that you can bike on the sidewalk sometimes and avoid lights is a major bonus, but back to the visual, your favorite music in your head phones and the casual head nod and smile from the elderly person taking their daily walk. I love it!!! Almost every aspect of it, I hate the hills.

Biking is Therapeutic to me I find it makes me think in good ways, it clears my mind and teaches me patience because it may take a little longer to get somewhere much like things in our lives require a lot of patience. I also find it gives me a feeling of freedom and independence, now maybe that's because I don't drive but I'm not really sure, but I like that I can have this perspective now.

But do this! Go for a bike ride take a look at the beauty outside your walls and breathe the fresh air with the wind I your hair.