Surgeries:

In 1991 I was born with a birth defect. Since my birth I have had over twenty surgeries’ many I don’t remember, but some I do, and the ones I do, affected more than I had expected.

Through these struggles of growing up with teeth that we’re a mess, having two different sets of braces and a nose and lip that looked a little different, my self-esteem was very low.

The surgeries I remember the most started when I was about 12 years old, and I was terrified. I went through a couple years of therapy and fought some serious depression and anxiety issues and am still recovering.

In 2009 I was eighteen years old and it had been six years since my last major surgery and I had hoped it wasn’t going to effect me as much as it did when I was twelve because I had grown up and knew what to expect in some way. 

The surgery was on a Tuesday December 2^nd, 2009, 23 days before Christmas and my brother had just gotten married moved out, and my sister had also just moved to Alberta… right away I was feeling very alone.  I had my mom and dad and my boyfriend at the time and friends who could be there as much as they could be.

The surgery went well, but two weeks later things went wrong and my hopeful last surgery of twenty-one years turned into a process of seven surgeries, two root canals, longer time of braces, and a lot of dental work.

In this surgery they broke my upper and lower jaw and adjusted it to it’s proper positioning. After two weeks I was determined my upper jaw had shifted, my dad refused to believe me, but I knew it had.

I made my dad take me to Sick Kids to have them take an x-ray. Prior to this appointment one day I was rinsing my mouth and I heard something fall into the sink, I had no idea what it was and just ignored it. When we got the x-ray back they had to call down my surgeon from his surgery, along with three other doctors to look at the x-ray, I sat there having no idea what was going on.  They turned and looked at me, then back to the x-ray multiple times, I sat in darkness. They finally told me that I was missing a screw that was holding part of my upper jaw in place, turned out I was allergic to titanium and my body was rejecting the hardware.

With this discovery they tried multiple ways to fix my jaw, re-breaking it, removing the hardware, placing new hard ware, placing a guard to hold my jaw in place and nothing was working. They resorted to taking from my own body, a piece of my hip and finally a good result after five surgeries.

Though all of this hasn’t been easy, I can’t help but be thankful for the events in my life that have happened has formed me into the person I am today. Shortly after my last surgery of the five, my boyfriend of three years and I had broken up. I was heart broken when he broke up with me, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend.

My emotional state was sky rocketed due to all my surgeries and life in general, I was as low as low can be. I had been a Christian my entire life, went to a Christian private school, attended church weekly, was a regular at my youth group, but never really knew what it meant completely. One day I had an amazing perspective, that when I was feeling ugly, rejected, lied to, unloved, none of it was true.  

I realized I was unconditionally loved, and held by my Creator. I knew it all along my entire life, but it had never hit me like it did that day. I had never had this personal of a connection with anybody before; I had never felt more like I knew who I was, or somebody knew me better than I knew myself.

I remember one day I was home alone and I was convulsing with tears streaming down my face, screaming out loud in agony in emotional hurt, I lied down in my bed, having no idea if this was ever going to go away. Then I felt this incredible peace and it had just stopped, all the tears the hurt they went away. I will never forget this peace. This was the first time I realized God was always with me, that He was sad that I was sad, and He just wanted to hold me, so He did, and I let Him and have never let go since.

I share all of this with you, in hope that I can pass along a little hope to somebody else out there that feels like they are nothing. I have been through a lot in my life, and this just a glimpse of some of the things, but I can say here today that I am me, I am who I am, happy, loved, held, forgiven and moving forward. 

Smile Before

Night After Surgery

What I woke up to once. *my body rejecting the hardware* 

1 year since surgery

2 years since surgery

3 years since surgery :)