In 1991 I was born with a birth
defect. Since my birth I have had over twenty surgeries’ many I don’t remember,
but some I do, and the ones I do, affected more than I had expected.
Through these struggles of growing
up with teeth that we’re a mess, having two different sets of braces and a nose
and lip that looked a little different, my self-esteem was very low.
The surgeries I remember the most
started when I was about 12 years old, and I was terrified. I went through a
couple years of therapy and fought some serious depression and anxiety issues
and am still recovering.
In 2009 I was eighteen years old
and it had been six years since my last major surgery and I had hoped it
wasn’t going to effect me as much as it did when I was twelve because I had
grown up and knew what to expect in some way.
The surgery was on a Tuesday
December 2nd, 2009, 23 days before Christmas and my brother had just
gotten married moved out, and my sister had also just moved to Alberta… right
away I was feeling very alone. I had my
mom and dad and my boyfriend at the time and friends who could be there as much
as they could be.
The surgery went well, but two
weeks later things went wrong and my hopeful last surgery of twenty-one years
turned into a process of seven surgeries, two root canals, longer time of
braces, and a lot of dental work.
In this surgery they broke my upper
and lower jaw and adjusted it to it’s proper positioning. After two weeks I was
determined my upper jaw had shifted, my dad refused to believe me, but I knew
it had.
I made my dad take me to Sick Kids
to have them take an x-ray. Prior to this appointment one day I was rinsing my
mouth and I heard something fall into the sink, I had no idea what it was and
just ignored it. When we got the x-ray back they had to call down my surgeon from
his surgery, along with three other doctors to look at the x-ray, I sat there
having no idea what was going on. They
turned and looked at me, then back to the x-ray multiple times, I sat in
darkness. They finally told me that I was missing a screw that was holding part
of my upper jaw in place, turned out I was allergic to titanium and my body was
rejecting the hardware.
With this discovery they tried multiple
ways to fix my jaw, re-breaking it, removing the hardware, placing new hard
ware, placing a guard to hold my jaw in place and nothing was working. They
resorted to taking from my own body, a piece of my hip and finally a good
result after five surgeries.
Though all of this hasn’t been
easy, I can’t help but be thankful for the events in my life that have happened
has formed me into the person I am today. Shortly after my last surgery of the
five, my boyfriend of three years and I had broken up. I was heart broken when
he broke up with me, he was my first kiss, he was my best friend.
My emotional state was sky rocketed
due to all my surgeries and life in general, I was as low as low can be. I had
been a Christian my entire life, went to a Christian private school, attended
church weekly, was a regular at my youth group, but never really knew what it meant
completely. One day I had an amazing perspective, that when I was feeling ugly,
rejected, lied to, unloved, none of it was true.
I realized I was unconditionally loved,
and held by my Creator. I knew it all along my entire life, but it had never hit
me like it did that day. I had never had this personal of a connection with
anybody before; I had never felt more like I knew who I was, or somebody knew
me better than I knew myself.
I remember one day I was home alone
and I was convulsing with tears streaming down my face, screaming out loud in
agony in emotional hurt, I lied down in my bed, having no idea if this was ever
going to go away. Then I felt this incredible peace and it had just stopped,
all the tears the hurt they went away. I will never forget this peace. This was
the first time I realized God was always with me, that He was sad that I was
sad, and He just wanted to hold me, so He did, and I let Him and have never let
go since.
I share all of this with you, in
hope that I can pass along a little hope to somebody else out there that feels
like they are nothing. I have been through a lot in my life, and this just a
glimpse of some of the things, but I can say here today that I am me, I am who
I am, happy, loved, held, forgiven and moving forward.
Smile Before
Night After Surgery
What I woke up to once. *my body rejecting the hardware*
1 year since surgery
2 years since surgery
3 years since surgery :)
